Expecting a new baby, and worried about how your older child will react?
When our son was born, our 2 year-old daughter was still navigating her big emotions in a big way, which for us, looked like jealousy, anger and lots of tears. At the same time, I was learning how to split my attention (and heart) 3 ways, between my husband, my toddler and my newborn. I was frantic for answers, so I read lots of books, blogs and listened to podcasts looking for solutions. Here are 5 tips that helped us reframe our perspective (and our words!) to ease the transition into becoming a bigger family.
- Words matter: focus explanations on you, or the older child (not the baby)
- Regressive behaviour is OK!
- Questions: But whyyy, mommy?
- Weave rituals into routine
- Expect the older sibling to wake the baby--a lot!
Words matter: focus explanations on you, or the older child (not the baby)
When our new baby arrived, re-framing how we spoke to our older daughter was key. A lot of resources say to validate the older child’s feelings, but often we’d find this wasn’t enough when our daughter was upset that I didn’t have time for her. Keep the focus either on you (the parent), or on what your older child wants and needs–not on the baby's role in the situation. Here are 3 tips for when you can’t give your older child hands-on attention:
- Instead of saying “I can’t right now” or “I’m holding the baby”, say: “Mommy’s hands are full.”
- Instead of “I have to feed the baby”, say: “I’ll help you when I’m done with what I’m doing”. Often we jump to “I can’t because the baby needs X”, and this can create resentment in your older child. Show her that the person she knows and trusts (you) are here with her, and you are doing a job (bottle/breastfeeding, changing diapers, helping the baby to sleep, etc).
- Actions. Give your older child a job, to make them feel like they are a part of what you’re doing, and that they are a helpful, loved part of the family unit. If our elder daughter wanted our attention while I was busy breastfeeding, I would ask her to grab something else and bring it to me (even if the object wasn’t super important, I made her feel like it was). “Can you bring me a toy car? I wonder what it feels like to roll it up my leg.” Or, “I’m really feeling thirsty, can you bring mama’s water bottle?” The feeling of her being helpful was meaningful for her.
Regressive Behaviour is OK!
Regressive behaviour can look like: toileting accidents, crying for you at bedtime, trying to breastfeed again, sucking their finger or pacifier, or anything “baby” like, that you thought they had grown out of. As frustrating as this can be for a parent, it’s a totally healthy response for an older child to be exploring. They’re not intentionally testing your limits while you’re already sleep deprived… the older child is “playing” and re-imagining themself with what they see the baby doing. And if it gets the parents’ attention, well, they will keep on doing it. So if we accept and welcome the regressive behaviour (instead of shaming or punishing), we allow it to be a moment of connection and remembering for our child.
For example, “I remember when you were a baby and you needed diapers all the time - sometimes 10 times in a day! Do you want to pretend to be a baby again, while we clean up?” Making space for Baby Play Acting will help him process his feelings of jealousy or uncertainty in their new role within the family, allows him to feel validated by receiving positive attention, and start to develop empathy toward the baby. Also, by re-framing their regressive behaviour as “allowed” in your own mind, you will deepen your connection to your older child.
Questions: But whyyy, Mommy?
Ideas about how to answer our delightfully curious children when they’re asking whyyyy we’re holding/feeding/changing the baby for what seems like 24/7. As much as you can, giving examples of what every baby needs to survive (instead of just this baby) helps the older child develop a greater understanding.
- Tell their own baby stories: If your older child asks “Why does the baby cry all the time?”, you can tell a story about when they were a baby - would he cry at every diaper change, preferred sleeping in the baby carrier but hated car rides, and only wanted to be burped over the shoulder, etc.
- Provide simple explanations of how other babies in the animal kingdom are born, need to eat, and learn to walk. You can also do this through pretend play with their stuffed animals - which can lead to the older child taking care of stuffies while you breastfeed etc.
The more we explore their tough feelings / questions through storytelling, the more your older child will learn empathy for the baby by imagining herself in baby’s shoes.
Weave Rituals into Routine
Rituals can make the ordinary routine feel special. Putting on music while cooking, lowering the lights to make dinner seem like a restaurant, drawing hearts on each other’s backs while you read a book. What new spin can you put on the routine to make these moments you both look forward to? Perhaps you open a bottle of calming lavender oil and give your child a little hand massage before you feed the baby? What if bedtime with the older child always includes the question, "What do you remember about (baby's name) today?"
You can also give your older child(ren) official but fun tasks that allow them to look forward to helping with baby care. For example, a mom who struggled with buckling two kids into car seats, started keeping a spray bottle of lavender (which is meant to soothe) in her car. Her older daughter had the opportunity to spray both herself and the baby, while the mom was fastening the baby's seatbelt. Finding safe, age-appropriate tasks that make routines fun, also allows the older child to find purpose, and feel connected to the family unit.
Two easy games that we incorporated into breastfeeding time:
- Tea Party - the first time we did this, my husband helped my daughter set up a little tea party with her stuffies and some household items (a large picture book as a table, small tupperware as the plates). They set it up beside the couch where I would be feeding the baby, so I would be able to ask her questions about which “guests” were at the party, what sandwiches she had, etc. This allowed her to feel like I was a part of her game, without having to stop what I was doing. After a few times with our help setting it up, she would take the initiative on her own, knowing it was still a fun “connection” activity with mommy, while my hands were full.
- Hide and seek grocery list - on scrap paper, we would draw fruits and vegetables with a little tick-box beside them. My two year-old would then be given the list, and a crayon to check off when she had found them. It would only take a few minutes to hide them around her play area, but she would search for them and enjoy ticking the boxes, like she has seen her parents do at the grocery store. This was another activity I could easily do from the couch, or while the baby was on the play mat.
Expect the older sibling to wake the baby–a lot.
When you had one baby, it was easier to control the environment for sleep–dark, quiet, calm were fairly easy to control at home. But an older sibling rarely lets those three factors coincide, especially when the baby is trying to sleep while they’re awake, jumping, playing and running around, so it’s almost impossible. The best solution is to change your own expectations, and give everyone (namely your older kid, and you!), a break. You can still teach your older child skills to help baby sleep (ie, using a quiet voice, quiet feet and quiet toys/activities), but we cannot expect our child to take on these skills all the time.
Decide ahead of time how you want to react when your older child wakes the baby. Focus on the positive. If you emphasize how nice it is that you get to spend time together when the baby is sleeping, and you acknowledge the times when your older child is tiptoeing around quietly, you build a good will toward the baby's naps.
Final thoughts
Maybe you've read this post because you're worried about the upcoming birth of your younger child, you have a sensitive older child, or things aren't going great. In closing, I wanted to remind you that you are doing a great job. Even by reading this, remember that you are being mindful and intentional, showing up as the best parent for your child(ren). So, thank you for reading, and remember: You've got this.
Enjoyed this post and want to know more? Here are the resources that inspired this post:
The Fourth Trimester Companion by Cynthia Gabriel
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr Laura Markham
Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy
@NurturedFirst on Instagram
@Dr.Siggie on Instagram